A Subtle Communication Bug That Leads to a Breakup

We often talk about the importance of significance in a relationship. But there is one fundamental problem that interferes with living with the knowledge of significance — the ability to see it from the outside and understand it objectively. In other words, you need to be able to see your real figure with the eyes of your partner. And this is the main difficulty.

In most cases, people tend to see themselves from the outside not objectively. We see only our own idea of ourselves, which often has nothing to do with reality. It seems that you are a confident and self-sufficient guy, which means that everyone around you thinks you are like that. If you think that you have something to be respected for, it does not mean that your Russian brides online think so. The same applies to love and feelings.

Any assessment of each other in a relationship between two people is always subjective. That is, most likely, it is far from reality. Our illusions and personality traits are very influential here. If people began to treat you worse, then it is not a fact that you have become objectively worse as a person. This is only a subjective view of the second part.

Your relationship with the person equally affects feelings of sympathy, love, and friendship. Now you adore each other, and it seems to you that the person is perfect. But as soon as the relationship deteriorates, you begin to notice the flaws in her, and she — in you. At the same time, as people, you have not changed at all.

It Doesn’t Matter What You Say

Problems in evaluating each other in relationships are manifested at the most elementary level — in communication. It seems to you that your thoughts are understood exactly the way you are trying to convey them. In fact, in addition to the distortions that you make when translating thoughts into speech, there is also an additional filter in your partner’s head. As a result, the effect can be unpredictable: you mean one thing, but they understand you differently:

  • You tell her: “I inspire respect in those around me for who I am.” For you, this is a clear message, but she can interpret it in a completely different way — depending on your subjective significance for her. For instance, if it is low, she may hear you say, “I’m not sure of myself, and I want confirmation from you.”
  • You say, “You don’t respect me enough.” But not the fact that she will agree with you. She may think: “Why should I respect you at all?”

Action Manipulation

Very often, our words are aimed not at forming an impression of ourselves for another person, but at directing them to the actions we need. This is a manipulation that a person tries to cover up gracefully.

The girl hints that she doesn’t really want to get from point A to point B through such cold (heat, rain), but in fact, she means: “I want you to help me.” A guy who really likes this girl reads the message correctly — as a signal for action. And now he is rushing along in his car (calling a taxi) so that his beloved one does not strain her legs once again.

It looks like there is nothing wrong with this behavior of both partners. But this is relevant only for the beginning of a relationship when the significance of both partners for each other is at the point of growth.

What is crucial is how a man perceives a girl in such a situation. If they are in a romantic relationship, he understands this as an appeal: “I like it when you show yourself as a real man. Here’s an opportunity for you to demonstrate it!”

If you are indifferent to this girl, then her words sound completely different to you: “I am a princess, and you must serve me! Come on, take me wherever I ask.” The same words in different situations can be perceived both as a flirt and as direct pressure (aggression).

A person using such manipulations must understand exactly in what light of subjective significance for a partner he/she is now. After all, if we are talking about a rose and candy stage and a strong mutual interest, then words can be perceived as flirting and greater rapprochement. If such communication transforms into a permanent serious relationship, then the message will gradually be distorted in the partner’s head.

How to Avoid Distortion

So that your words are not perceived as distorted, you need to make sure that your partner does not see them as a threat — an attempt to take something from them. You have to understand why you say certain words and how they can be perceived. Why would you prove to someone that you have something to be respected for? Why emphasize in conversation that you are not silly? In all these statements, there is clearly a desire to influence someone else’s opinion.

It is not difficult to overcome a distorting prism — it is enough not to load words with additional hidden subtext, not to supply them with a veiled request:

  1. There will be no ulterior motive in the conversation if you are talking about what interests and worries both of you.
  2. If you talk about something that you did not show interest in, then, obviously, you are pursuing some goals — no matter how gracefully you disguise them.

Simple Request

As a result, we come to the conclusion that manipulation is bad in any case. And no matter how different sorts of coaches convince people of the opposite, the hidden subtext can work only at a short distance.

As a result, a person turns into a constantly asking one. They may think that they beautifully disguise requests and remain as independent in the eyes of their partner as before, but it is not true. And the older people are, the more pitiful this behavior is, the faster the significance decreases, and the inevitable breakup comes.

A simple request can be perceived by someone who cares about you. But even if you do not mask the request and clearly ask for what you want, you may be denied, especially if your importance to a person is low. You shouldn’t act as if you are waiting for approval from others. Adults respond to this with backlash.